


this labour of love

by juliaaubrey



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Boys In Love, Depression, M/M, One Shot, Penny Is The Bestest Best Friend, Some Fluff, Some Kissing (not really), Some sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21742354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliaaubrey/pseuds/juliaaubrey
Summary: Simon is trying to work through his feelings...Things have gotten better, since America. Things are finally beginning to look a little less terrible for Simon Snow. With Penelope and Baz's help, Simon is beginning to look for the brighter parts of his future, even if he has to accept the sacrifices that he's made in the past to get there.
Relationships: Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow
Kudos: 8





	this labour of love

**_Simon_ **

  
  


Things aren’t as bad as they used to be. They’ve gotten...better. I think. Once we got home from America. The urge that Baz and I _both_ felt to talk was a little overwhelming, even after what happened on the beach. Even after Penelope rushed towards us with the news of a Watford catastrophe. 

But once that was dealt with, once the flames died down a little, there was an opening. A space. A space that I felt more than ever, and a space that I wanted to finally get rid of. 

I don’t know what it was, really...all I _do_ know is that the static inside of my head and my body slowly started to fade, as the days went by. Soon enough, I had a new therapist. She’s from England, this time. And in some ways, she’s done more for me than the one I had from America _ever_ did. 

There are still bad days, though. Some days I don’t move from my bed. Some days, I don’t even want to get up to take a piss…

But they pass. Normally. Normally, I have enough energy to drag myself out from under the covers and into the shower. Normally, I can spend the better half of a day doing _something_ other than drowning in my thoughts. 

And, Baz is coming over even more than he used to. He’s even stayed the night, a couple of times...out on the sofa. (I don’t think I could handle him sleeping in my bed with me). (But I’m trying to get over that - my therapist says it’s normal. To want space.) 

It’s...nice. Waking up, and hearing him in the kitchen. He’s always awake before I am. Sometimes, I can hear him talking with Penelope, or making breakfast, or bringing home coffee. He still goes to his classes, but...I’m never alone. I never have to worry about waking up to an empty flat, and it’s comforting. For once - I don’t feel smothered, like I used to. 

My therapist suggested that I should try to channel my nervous anxiety into something active…,” _Maybe you could try sports, Simon. Or fencing? Something that keeps your blood pumping,”._

I’ve considered it, really. A few times....but every time I do, there’s a little voice at the back of my mind that’s trying to drag me back under.

I don’t really remember how I felt, after that appointment. But what I _do_ remember is Penelope walking out of the kitchen with a cup of tea that she put on the table in front of me, and how set her hand on my shoulder. 

She knew. Without even asking - she just _knew._ And she knew not to say anything. And in that moment, I felt _something._ I’m not sure what it really was, but it felt different. I felt...I felt. 

I felt like I was going to be _alright._

But, Baz and I still haven’t _talked._ At least, not in the way that we really should be. We’ve come close...but I’d always feel like running when I felt like I was slipping too far. 

We’ve been more open. In some ways that we never were before. Sometimes, if it’s late and he’s about to leave, I’ll hug him goodbye. 

And then, there are some nights...when I won’t _want_ to let him leave…

Some nights, I’ll be hanging over him, with my mouth over his. His hands clutching tightly at my shoulders, his skin slowly becoming warmer against mine...and he’ll whisper into my neck that he should probably go...but I wouldn’t want to let him. 

So, I would bring him a pillow and blankets, and he’d fall asleep on the sofa. And I’d pretend not to see the small smile on his face, and I’d pretend not to acknowledge the sticky feeling in my chest...(The one that feels like it’s going to consume me from the inside out if I don’t try to shut my mind off.)

But that’s where we _are._ Right now. And even though I know I’m not giving Baz everything he wants, or everything he needs...I’m trying to give him _something._

Anything he’ll take. I’m trying to give him a piece of me, every day. A little bit more of me. A little bit of my heart, a little bit of my mind…

I’m finally trying to let him _in._

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed this! feel free to kudos and comment, i always love getting the feedback.  
> have a good day or night! <3


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